This week: how to decide what to share at work, and when to keep your private life and career options in your own hands.

When I moved from big tech to a smaller company, I was surprised by how much everyone knew about each other.

And I don’t mean hobbies and weekend plans. I knew who had hemorrhoids.

Why did I need to know that?

Somewhere along the way, someone’s medical information had become office conversation. And there I was, receiving an update I absolutely hadn’t requested.

It made me wonder: if this is what people are telling me about everyone else, what are they telling everyone else about me?

You spend a lot of time with your coworkers. You share jokes, frustrations, lunches, and occasionally a mutual hatred of a meeting that could have been an email.

It’s easy to get comfortable, but being comfortable with someone doesn’t tell you how they’ll handle information you’d rather keep private.

The same goes for your boss.

You might genuinely like each other. They might care about you and want you to succeed. They also influence your pay, rate your performance, and may be asked whether your role should exist.

That responsibility is still there after the drinks, the jokes, and the conversation about your weekend.

I’ve been the employee. I’ve been the manager. Those two sides of a conversation can look very different.

An employee once told me they’d updated their LinkedIn like it was supposed to make me panic.

What they didn’t know was that I was already replacing them. They thought they were creating leverage. From my side, the conversation meant something else entirely.

You can’t always know what’s happening on the other side of the desk. But you can decide how much information you hand over.

You can interview without announcing your exit. You can enjoy your coworkers without discussing your savings. You can ask for support without explaining every detail of your personal life.

Real friendships can develop at work. Let people earn your trust through how they behave.

01  What do I want this conversation to achieve?

Are you asking for support, solving a problem, or simply filling a silence? Knowing the purpose helps you choose how much detail is actually useful.

02  Has this person shown they can be discreet?

Pay attention to what they tell you about other people. If you regularly hear information those people probably wanted kept private, take that into account before divulging your information.

03  Would I be comfortable with this reaching my manager?

A conversation about exploring another career or wanting to start a family can travel as “she’s leaving.” Consider how you’d feel if someone repeated it without your consent or context.

04  How much do they actually need to know?

You might need time off, a workload discussion, or an adjustment at work. Start with what you need and share relevant information, not the entire life story.

ONE IDEA TO KNOW An interview isn’t an offer.

Exploring an option and making a decision are completely different stages of a process. You’re allowed to work out what you want before telling the office what comes next.

THE ADVANTAGE Build options before you announce them

Take the interview, understand your finances, and document your results. Give yourself something solid to make a decision with.

This is the part I keep coming back to. I like being able to laugh with the people I work with. I don’t want every conversation to feel like I’m preparing a statement for HR.

However, somewhere between being pleasant and explaining your entire life, there’s a point where you’ve shared more than you intended.

Especially when someone asks a personal question casually, as though answering is just part of being polite.

“How much does your partner earn?”

“When are you having children?”

“Can you afford that?”

You can like the person asking and still decide they don’t get the answer.

“I keep that to myself.”

Then let the sentence end.

Building a life you’re proud of includes deciding who gets access to it. Your coworkers can be part of that life without knowing every detail.

What’s one question you wish people would stop asking at work?

Hit reply and tell me. I read every response.

Charlotte
Founder, The Redhead Advantage  ·  Build a life you’re proud of.